I just rediscovered my 7th grade diary at my parents' house, and while I had a lot of fun reading it, there were certain parts that made me cringe and even more parts that made me sad...like this quote for example:
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| What I would like to change about myself this year: "Get prettier and have more people like me". |
Later, in high school the bullying stopped but it changed into something that's almost as bad but isn't talked about as often...being ignored completely. I remember being at Field Hockey practice during summer break in August, a few weeks before school started. It was brutally hot outside and during our lunch break, this popular girl invited the whole team (except for me and one other girl) over to her house to swim in her pool. All I wanted to do was call my Mom and ask her to come and get me but I didn't want to leave the other girl by herself. So I stayed and had lunch with her and we ended up becoming good friends.
I sometimes wonder if my love of beauty products started with my desire to "get prettier", but I honestly don't know. Probably.
I guess when you feel like you're ugly, you become more focused on looks than most people. Lord knows I was! Of course, I don't feel that way anymore and now makeup is just a fun hobby. I leave the house without it all the time and couldn't care less what people think. But years ago, I would spend entire dates with a guy or time at a party worrying about how I looked rather than letting loose and having a good time, all the while I was afraid that if I didn't look good, people wouldn't like me.
My wish is that girls will learn to be kind to each other and support one another so that we can focus on our actual lives, our true passions, and who we want to become, rather than trying to make other people like us on the outside.
It has taken me until my 30's to feel confident about myself and in many ways, I feel like I missed out on life in my teens and twenties because I was too afraid to meet new people, try new things, or to speak my mind for fear of being mocked or ridiculed.
So please, remember to be kind to others. Bullying has more of an impact on a person's soul than anyone realizes...the effects go way beyond just that moment or that day.
Oh wow. I am tearing up right now because this describes me to a T. Girls were so mean to me in high school and it has affected me in a big way. If I only knew than what I know now, I wouldn't have let it bother me so much.
ReplyDeleteExactly! I wish I could go back and give myself a pep talk! I'm sorry it happened to you too. :(
DeleteI had the same goal as well until I was 18. I thought 'if I was pretty life would be so much better!.' I thought that if I was pretty guys would like me, it sounds so childish now (I'm 20) but back then I would cry myself to sleep because I HATED who I was. Since I was 10 years old I hated myself, I used to keep the mirrors in my room covered up because I couldn't STAND seeing myself. It wasn't until last year that I finally learned to accept myself. It's a work in process, some days those horrid thoughts 'you are stupid, ugly, worthless...' still haunt me. But I'm getting better. I was made fun of as a child, but I was also pushed aside when 'better' people came along, and that hurt just as much as there words.
ReplyDeleteAww, hugs! I'm sorry you felt that way all those years. It's hard enough when you're young and trying to figure things out and have all of these insecurities, but then to have people cutting you down besides makes it so much worse! I'm also a work in progress at 37 years old but it gets easier the older you get. :)
DeleteMy eyes are watering as I read this. I'm so sorry that happened to you because it happened to me too. I was a very awkward kid, big coke bottle glasses, braces, chubby face, nerdy, dressed terribly. In junior high, I was never invited to a single party, ignored by the cool kids, and was mostly tolerated but never fully accepted by the smart kids. I was also teased by many for having buck teeth. I had one BFF thank goodness. But then we moved, and I entered a high school where I didn't know a single soul, and there were all these cliques of people who had known each other since grade school. I was so lonely, I hung out on the periphery but never found a close friend. Things finally got better when I went to college, found some dorm mates who became my friends. But those years haunted me. For a long time, I had insomnia, as I couldn't stop obsessing about all the things I did "wrong' during the day or what people thought about me. Things did get better in my 20's, 30's, and now that I'm in my 40's I've never felt better. It's been a long road, but I look great, and more importantly, I feel great about myself. The biggest lesson I've learned is to be kind to yourself and to others (Katherine T.)
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing such a open and personal post. Reading that diary entry broke my heart as well because I can relate to you in more ways than one. I also went through an awkward stage in middle school (who doesn't lol) but it really wrecked my confidence. Although in high school things changed and I wasn't picked on anymore being told you're not beautiful by bullies that really just hated themselves definitely left an impact on me. I became really focused on trying to always look beautiful which is how I got into makeup and eventually beauty blogging myself I guess. I'm in my mid 20's now and it's been over 10 years since anyone bullied me but I do still remember from time to time. Now that I'm older things are a lot better but it's still a daily work in progress. Thanks again for sharing xoxo Fancy Francy
ReplyDeleteWhen I was in high school, I would never leave the house without makeup. I wouldn't even go through a drive thru without some on. I'm definitely more carefree now. I go out without makeup all the time. It's fun to play and experiment with, but I don't feel like I have to have on a full face to run a quick errand. As much as I love makeup now, there's no great feeling than taking it off at the end of the day!
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